A brave Nottingham woman whose life was controlled by her jealous partner, tells her tragic story of how she escaped emotional and physical abuse, to save her, and her daughter’s life.
All names in this story have been changed to protect the victim.
When I was 12-years-old I met my boyfriend who I was with for nine years, at 18 I fell pregnant with my baby girl Lilly.
During my school life I never made a full day of school, I would always start arguments with family and friends and I was in trouble a lot with the police.
I had to keep up a reputation that my partner and his family had set, if I didn’t there would be consequences for me.
At first the relationship was brilliant and he was the most loving person I could have ever hoped to have met.
As we got older he started to take drugs, Cannabis, Cocaine, Ecstasy and many more. He started to change, his temper got worse and by the age of 16 I was being physically attacked by him.
I loved him dearly and wouldn’t leave him.
I left my family home and moved in with him just before I turned 18. After we moved in together things turned worse than I could ever have imagined, police were being called out regularly and I had to attend hospital on numerous occasions due to the beatings.
Around this time I found out I was pregnant, he promised he would change and that things would get better between us so I decided to keep the baby.
My first beating IN FRONT of my new born daughter.
For a few months he kept his word and things got better, then the drug addiction got worse and so did the beatings.
Eventually my fear became reality and this abuse started leading to sexual assaults – each one became more severe and aggressive. As well as this I was being emotionally abused.
I felt worthless and believed I deserved everything I got.
He took all my confidence away from me and he and his family made me believe I was nothing without them.
I couldn’t wear make-up or nice clothes, and I wasn’t allowed out with my friends unless he was with me, and I wasn’t allowed to talk to other males as he would get jealous.
I gave birth to my daughter in 2009 and I was in labour for three days, he spent four hours with me during these three days.
Campaign video for ‘ This is abuse’
When my mum rang him to tell him it was time to give birth he arrived at the hospital having had a fight on our street. He arrived shortly after 8.30pm, my daughter was born at 10.15pm and he left at 10.35.
The next day I was discharged from hospital, when I arrived back to our home he was passed out from drugs on the sofa, when he awoke I received my first beating as a mother in front of my new born daughter.
These beatings and arguments were regular, at least three to four times a week the police would be called out but I never had the courage or confidence to have him punished so I took him back.
By this point social services had become involved due to the risk towards my daughter and myself.
I was visited regularly by my social worker and health visitor and I would try and hide my real feelings and put on a front that I was okay. It was very rare I would see these workers alone because my partner would ensure he attended as many as he could.
Eventually social services made the decision to remove my child unless I was to end the relationship. My social worker rang my mum and asked if she would become Lilly’s carer. My mum was aware of the relationship and what I was put through, although we never discussed it.
My social worker came to visit me at home along with my health visitor and they discussed with me what they were planning to do, at this point I made the decision to end the relationship, and started to put a plan in place to keep myself and Lilly safe and to return home to my mum.
Things got worse though, I attended various court dates and eventually I was awarded an injunction against him and social services decided he couldn’t see Lilly any more unless he was supervised.
My ex-partner smashed my car up on Boxing Day because things had not gone his way, I knew it wasn’t safe for Lilly to be left with them for the day and told his mum I would be in contact to rearrange contact. I reported my ex-partner for what had happened and he was arrested and took to court for his offences.
This caused arguments between me and his family and they stopped answering my calls, never turned up for meetings with social care and never got in touch to resume contact with Lilly.
This led social services to make the decision along with myself that if my ex-partner wanted to resume contact he would have to take me to court.
Social services were involved from Lilly being new born and stayed in contact with me to help until she was one year-old. They have always stood by decisions and helped me as best they could.
I was supported by a member of staff at NIDAS throughout the court hearings, this worker encouraged me to receive further support but I didn’t engage with the worker – despite them making various attempts.
I don’t think he will ever stop trying to intimidate me
Once I had finished working with my current worker I began to feel alone again but I worked closely with my social worker and received help where and when needed.
By 2015 I had completely transformed my life for the sake of me and Lilly. I am now working in an organisation which supports women and children who have experienced domestic abuse.
I started working there in 2014 as reception and admin support and started studying at the same time. By 2015 I was offered two other posts.
I am now happy, confident and content in myself, I have never been in such a happy place. My daughter is in full time education and has no involvement with social services.
She has grown to be a happy, content and a loving little girl.
Contact has never gone ahead although every now and again my ex-partner will send a note to a friend’s house threatening to take me to court, I don’t think he will ever stop trying to intimidate me.
I do know how to manage his behaviours, his tactics and my emotions, I am also aware of what support is available and how I can access this when it’s needed.
I believe that without the help from other professionals this change wouldn’t have happened. I received a whole support package which included my emotional health, physical health and well-being, education and how to rebuild pieces of my life which I have lost.
My daughter is happy and secure, and my life has taken a 360 degree turn. Despite what certain people thought it would end up like, I have proved them wrong.
I survived all of this and am moving forward and I believe others can too. They just need to pick the phone up and call for help.
If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, you can contact NIDAS, for free, on its 24-hour helpline: 0808 800 0340
