Nottingham’s Sands United football team has signed its fortieth player – just over a year after it was set up to help fathers dealing with the loss of a child. Henry Green meets the grieving dads supporting each other through the power of the beautiful game.
Raj Chagger’s seven-month-old son died suddenly in the night after going into cardiac arrest in November 2020. Raj, 36, says doctors think little Riaan may have had a muscular condition so rare it does not even have a name – and there are only three other known cases.
Despite their best efforts – including sending tissue samples to an American lab – nearly four years on medics still cannot give Raj and his 38-year-old wife Sharan a final answer on what took away their young son.
Now as they continue to rebuild their lives the West Bridgford pair are the driving force behind a football team setup to help dads cope with childloss.
The team has grown from just a few players when they first started to more than 40.
They play games in Nottingham which raise money for bereavement charities.
Civil servant Raj setup the club to provide a place men where felt able to share their grief with people who knew what they were going through.
He says: “The aim is to create a support unit and a safe space for men to share their grief with those that have been through something similar.
“Football is the tool used to bring us together, but football is not the priority.
“We are a support unit first, that also plays football.”
Raj says the club led him to speak to more people in a similar situation.
He said: “Between November, 2020, and January, 2023, I spoke to only three bereaved dads.
“Between January, 2023, and April, 2024, I had over 40 bereaved dads playing for the club.
“This shows how much this team is needed, guys want this space and time to share their feelings and be around others that have sadly been through something similar.”
Raj and Sharan have since become parents to seven-month-old son Ari who was born last year.
Nottingham’s Sands United team one of many around the country organised as part of the Sands charity’s work to reduce baby deaths.
Steve Eley was one of the original four players to turn up to the Nottingham’s Sands team’s first training session at a Rushcliffe school in early 2023.
Steve lost his six-month-old daughter, Autumn, five years ago with her death being put down to cot death.
His family got help from the charity 4Louis, who offer a range of support to bereaved parents such as funding for bereavement suites at hospitals, but he still went into his own shell.
He says: “Personally, I didn’t want help, I was the shoulder for everyone else to lean on and took the typical male role.”
Steve says Sands United has become a massive help to him in the last year.
He told of the close bond the lads have together, he adds: “Sands has massively helped, I always say we are not teammates, we are a family and a real close-knit group who all want to win for each other.”
“Women talk to express their feelings; we play football to show ours.
“We come and play football then have a beer after the game and remember our little babies in the ways men do.”
Steve also spoke of the club’s goal to make Sands a recognisable name.
He said: “I would love to speak to someone from hundreds of miles away and they know the club and know what it stands for.
“We want to let people know that there’s always someone to speak to and help. To bring this positivity with Sands is phenomenal.”
Lee Roberts was just 21-years-old when he lost his baby boy, Kaine, as a still born 27 years ago.
He said: “At the time it was hard, my partner at the time had complications previously. She had an amniocentesis and that’s what caused it [Kaine’s death] really.”
After losing his baby, Lee and his partner were placed on the maternity ward, where, he says, they were given ‘no support’.
“We were on the maternity ward which was the weird thing about it. It was difficult listening to all the babies crying when you have just lost your own,” says Lee.
“We received no help at the time we spent the night on the maternity ward and were shipped out the next day.
“It was difficult losing your baby and then being back at work the next day, no one batted an eye lid, close friends checked in but if you’re not going through it yourself you don’t like to ask and don’t know how to act.
“Losing our child was difficult for both me and my partner.
“She felt like she’d done something wrong, I felt I’d done something wrong, and it was difficult for our relationship.
“We found it scary having another baby, we would worry about what was going to happen even a few months later there was still that fear that something could happen.
“We are no longer together but we are good friends.”
Lee says the club still helps him 27 years on.
He adds: “It’s always there but we have a great group of lads who all know what we’ve been through.
”It was really hard for me but some of these lads are still fresh to it, but we are always there for each other.
“I never got counselling, the lads and the football are my counselling.”
On the April 19, Sands travelled to play Keyworth United FC Coaches. Despite losing 5-1, the game was about more than just the result as their opponents raised £500 for charity.
You can read more about Sands United FC on its website or on Facebook.
Before founding the club, Raj and Sharan set up a baby loss fundraising project called Riaan Remembers, which has raised more than £30,000 for charities that care for sick babies.
The scheme also offers support for parents following baby loss.
